A: Don's School Board Meeting
By
from the ABC set Skits From
Don's School Board Meeting
By Michael Lawrence
Well, it is 10:30 p.m. and Don just got back from covering a school board meeting. Don enjoyed himself. In fact, Don liked it so much, he--wait, here he is now …
Hello, my faithful journal readers! It feels great to be back. As it states above, I just got back from covering a school board meeting. They are always fun. (Now, only if I could figure out who wrote that.)
Here's essentially what went on at the meeting:
Board member 1: Hullo, um, please rise for the honorable judge.
[everyone rises]
Board member 1: Uh, no, please, um, sit down again.
[everyone sits]
Board member 1: Hullo, um, please rise for the Pledge of
Allegiance
Board member 6: [obscenity]
[everyone rises]
Board member 1: Yeah, um, I pledge of allegiance, amen. Please, uh,
have a seat.
[everyone picks up chair and runs like crazy out the room]
Board member 1: Um, come back. Thieves!
Board member 6: [obscenity] pig pooping [obscenity]
[everyone comes back in room with chair]
Board member 1: Um, yeah, thank you. Does, um, anyone in the audience have anything to, um, say to the board?
[man rises and approaches school board]Man: Hello, it has come to my attention that--
Board member 1: Um, please begin.
Man: Thank you. It has come to my attention that you fired all teachers and lunch aides at Jiminy Elementary leaving the kids totally unattended. I don't know what planet you guys are from, but---------
Board member 1: Um, time's, um, up.
Man: Wait a second!
Board member 1:
No, um, time's up. Go away!
Board member 6: [obscenity]
[man carried away by security guard] Man: YOU ARE ALL LOONIES! YOU KNOW THAT?!
Board member 1: Uh, yeah. Now to the order of business.
Board member 7: Hi! I move that we charge 5 cents admission to all the school's toilet facilities.
Board member 1: Uh, okay, we have a motion. Uh, anyone, second it?
Board member 2: Second!
Board member 1: Yeah, is there any, um, discussion.
Board member 4: Yes, don't you hate it when you're in a formal setting like this and your underwear somehow manages to get stuck up your butt? I mean, I'd have to reach over to my butt like this [puts hand on butt]
pick at it [picks] and pull. [pull] Isn't that disgusting?
Board member 5: I move that we remove the requirement of underwear from school facilities.
Board member 4: Second!
Board member 6: [obscenity]
Board member 1: Uh, yeah. Let's vote on these, um, things one at a time. Ummmm. We have a, uh, motion to pass the, uh, 5 cents admission to the toilet, let's put that to a vote. For all those in, uh, favor, please put up your right hand.
Board members 1, 2, 4, 7: [puts up right hand]
Board member 3: [puts up left hand]
Board member 5: [puts up left foot]
Board member 6: [puts up right hand, middle finger]
Board member 1: Yeah, we have a pass, 7/0. Five cents admission to, um, toilets. Uh, what are we voting on, um, next?
Board member 4: We were going to vote on outlawing all floral objects and replicas on school property, I believe.
Board member 1: Ah, yeah, um, okay, do we have a motion?
Board member 7: Yeah, I move we ditch this place and have ourselves a beer!
Board member 6: [obscenity] hear hear!
Board member 2: So seconded!
Board member 1: Uh, yeah, sure, but let's vote on the, uh, flower, um, thing first.
Board member 7: Okay, I move that we accept the flower ban. And I second it.
Board member 1: Yeah, okay, is there, um, any further, um, discussion?
Parent: [rises] This is an outrage!Board member 2: [gets out gun, shoots parent]
Board member 1: Uh, okay, any one else?
Board member 2: [narrows eyes, darts them around the room]
Board member 1: Okay, let's, um, vote. Please raise your right, um, hand if you're in favor.
Board member 5: Flavor?! Mmmmm!
Board member 4: [making a loud trilling sound into microphone with lips while pretending fountain pen is an airplane]
Board member 6: [begins telling obscene joke]
Board member 1: All, uh, those opposed?
Board member 4: [pen crashes, makes crashing noise, ink squirts everywhere]
Board member 3: [stars wrinkling pieces of paper and throws them at audience]
Board member 6: [finishes obscene joke, not at all funny, gives self-righteous laughter]
Board member 1: Um, okay, lets, um, skip this, um, joint then and have ourselves a beer!
[board members immediately rush out of room and join superintendent Brain in his stretch limo who High-five's the bunch and drives off to the near brewery....on the house, uh, ummm, on the taxpayers! hehehehehehe]
No, um, time's up. Go away!